10.06.2015

Tuesday equals second monday?

I don't know about you, but the start of school for 3 of my children and teaching takes a lot out of a person. There are days that I feel like I'm really on the ball and on top of things, and then there are days that I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Do you have those days?


Since losing my mom, I spend a lot of time feeling like something is missing in my life. And there is, it's my mom. That's not news. I don't know if that feeling is ever going to go away. Some people say that the pain of losing someone you love will not be as strong as time goes on, I'm not sure if that is true or not. While I can talk about my mom with friends, family, my students, even strangers, without getting all teared up, I don't miss her less. Maybe I'm more comfortable with the loss than when it first happened?

Right now, I'm having a hard time. Not only am I missing my mom and having some general morale issues with being a teacher, I'm actually and acutely jealous of my friends right now as a result of my life choices. Please do not think I am say I regret my children. That is not what I am saying. I am saying that I'm looking at my friends who have one or two children and I'm remembering the simpleness of that compared to where we are now and I'm missing the more simpler part of my life. I'm sad for my friends who are struggling to get pregnant. I truly do not understand why I can get pregnant so easily and they cannot. How is that fair? What is it about my family that makes it so that I lose so many people I love in such a short time, and have 5 children without much effort? Why do my friends get to watch their parents grow VERY old and I don't? Why do I get to have 5 kids and some of my friends can't have even one? How does that make sense? Some people say it's G-d's way, but that leaves me feeling lost. So, I'm not sure what the answer is and that frustrates me.

Some people read my blog or see me in person and think that I have it all together. Please believe me when I say, that I so don't. I work hard at a few things that are important to me and I make the required effort at the others. Organizing and planning are things that I enjoy doing. Checklists make me feel like I am in control of the situation I am in, even if I'm not. I do not have a clean house, but I have a clean classroom. My space is organized at school because it is more conducive to learning and a fast-paced environment. My home is slightly more chaotic because I do not have imminent domain. My kitchen, bathroom, laundry area, well, my whole house; is not immaculate, but my children are well fed, they have clean clothes, they are bathed and they are loved.

Is it perfect? No. 
Does it work for us? yes.

For now, let's celebrate each other's good things. I'm going to try to be grateful for my kids today. I'm going to try to look for a silver lining and work on cleaning my house this afternoon, since I carved out some time to do it. I'm going to share with a friend who isn't getting pregnant, how much I love her. Will I be able to fix it for either of us? Probably not, but I'm hoping a coffee and a hug will let her know I care about her. Hopefully, cleaning a room, with my checklist and hugging my friend will help us both.

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