Loved from afar....reflections after loss and Orlando

My mother died on December 24, 2011. At the time I was 30, I had been married for 10 years and had 3 children with one on the way. I had started a good career as a teacher, at a school I really really liked, my husband was finally going to graduate college and was a stay-at-home dad with plans to get a pretty good job or stay home in the fall. Life was ok.

Losing my mother put my husband and I in a tailspin. She was an integral part of our family. Picking up my children from school, having weekly dinners with us and generally just being a great grandmother to her grand children. But more than that, she was my friend. She was my husband's friend. We had no way (or desire) to replace her. But, there was such a huge void. It was more than the cliched "hole in your heart"....it was a crater in my life!

Over the last 4.5 years we have attempted to make small changes and edits to our lives to allow the pain of that crater to be some what diminished from the pain it was originally. But it has taken some serious work and a lot of time.

This summer, I am teaching summer school at my mother's last school assignment as an Art Teacher before she died. There are several pieces of art around the building and they are all captivating, which was her style. But, she also left a more everlasting piece of herself. Her love for gardening. She started and created a beautiful courtyard, complete with a seedling of her grandmother's rose bush. I have been asked to help maintain those flowers, and oh what a gift it is. It is a quiet gift of her love to get to care for her roses.

Earlier this week there was a shooting in Orlando. If you had not already heard, it was pretty awful. My heart hurts for those who have lost loved ones. For those who feel threatened. For those who have felt this pain. Then more recently this week, a child was ripped from his parents at a beach in Orlando at a Disney Resort Hotel.

There is no simple way to solve the many problems that are affecting our society right now. For what ever reason, some people have real fundamental problems with other people for religious, social, cultural or other reasons. I do not pretend that I understand what is going on.

All I can say to those who have lost loved ones or are affected by the many tragedies; you are loved.

I hope over time you are able to find love and support in these times and are able to find peace.

Look for the moments when your loved ones will speak to you. Because they will. It will be subtle and quiet, but it will be there.

Tuesday equals second monday?

I don't know about you, but the start of school for 3 of my children and teaching takes a lot out of a person. There are days that I feel like I'm really on the ball and on top of things, and then there are days that I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Do you have those days?


Since losing my mom, I spend a lot of time feeling like something is missing in my life. And there is, it's my mom. That's not news. I don't know if that feeling is ever going to go away. Some people say that the pain of losing someone you love will not be as strong as time goes on, I'm not sure if that is true or not. While I can talk about my mom with friends, family, my students, even strangers, without getting all teared up, I don't miss her less. Maybe I'm more comfortable with the loss than when it first happened?

Right now, I'm having a hard time. Not only am I missing my mom and having some general morale issues with being a teacher, I'm actually and acutely jealous of my friends right now as a result of my life choices. Please do not think I am say I regret my children. That is not what I am saying. I am saying that I'm looking at my friends who have one or two children and I'm remembering the simpleness of that compared to where we are now and I'm missing the more simpler part of my life. I'm sad for my friends who are struggling to get pregnant. I truly do not understand why I can get pregnant so easily and they cannot. How is that fair? What is it about my family that makes it so that I lose so many people I love in such a short time, and have 5 children without much effort? Why do my friends get to watch their parents grow VERY old and I don't? Why do I get to have 5 kids and some of my friends can't have even one? How does that make sense? Some people say it's G-d's way, but that leaves me feeling lost. So, I'm not sure what the answer is and that frustrates me.

Some people read my blog or see me in person and think that I have it all together. Please believe me when I say, that I so don't. I work hard at a few things that are important to me and I make the required effort at the others. Organizing and planning are things that I enjoy doing. Checklists make me feel like I am in control of the situation I am in, even if I'm not. I do not have a clean house, but I have a clean classroom. My space is organized at school because it is more conducive to learning and a fast-paced environment. My home is slightly more chaotic because I do not have imminent domain. My kitchen, bathroom, laundry area, well, my whole house; is not immaculate, but my children are well fed, they have clean clothes, they are bathed and they are loved.

Is it perfect? No. 

Does it work for us? yes.

For now, let's celebrate each other's good things. I'm going to try to be grateful for my kids today. I'm going to try to look for a silver lining and work on cleaning my house this afternoon, since I carved out some time to do it. I'm going to share with a friend who isn't getting pregnant, how much I love her. Will I be able to fix it for either of us? Probably not, but I'm hoping a coffee and a hug will let her know I care about her. Hopefully, cleaning a room, with my checklist and hugging my friend will help us both.

I am Jewish

Growing up, I wore my religion on my sleeve. I loved being different. I loved being asked questions about my religion and answering questions.

In high school, that changed. I was called names and made to feel that my differences were bad. I was ridiculed and bullied and administration couldn't stop it. Ultimately, I left my school for a semester to allow things to calm down. 

In college I went to a Jesuit college. The Brothers encouraged my attendance and participation and nurtured my curiosity in other faiths. I was accepted. When I moved to a bigger university setting, I still felt accepted. 

After college I worked for faith based and non-faith based companies. Now I work for a public school. We have a very diverse student population, but there is a strong division between church and state. I don't overly broadcast my Judaism, but I don't try to hide it. There are other teachers who are Jewish and they make sure that we are treated fairly for religious holidays and the like.

But we are in the midst of the Days of Awe, the High Holiday Days, and my Judaism feels more special. More like a gift.

Last week, we celebrated and commemorated Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. On this day, Jews are called upon to recognize a lot about themselves; their brokenness, their position in this life, wrongs that they may have committed, and really take note of the person they are becoming.

Generally, in our faith, bringing someone to services is considered a mitzvah, a good deed. It is meant to be an invitation to share in our celebrations, not to be proselytizing, or trying to get someone to change religions. We don't usually bring "outsiders" to the High Holiday services. But, this year was different.

I have not attended or participated in High Holiday services since my mother, of blessed memory, passed away in 2011. I have been harboring some difficult feelings that I was not all-together ready to face. Frankly, I was pissed off at G-d, and frustrated with my "beautiful religion" as my friends would say and I was sick of hearing things like, "She's in a better place", or "it was her time" or, my least favorite and hardest to swallow, "It was G-d's will". Like hell it was.

So, this year, I asked my friend to come with me. She is someone I have a lot of respect for. She'll shoot you straight, tell you how she's feeling and she says no. That last one is one I'm hoping to learn from her. She will say no when she can't, won't or doesn't want to. I don't know how to do that well yet.

The service this year featured a sermon by our newest Rabbi. She shared, beautifully, how important it is to be vulnerable. To recognize our brokenness, our lack of always knowing and that sometimes it's totally fine to lay it all out there. Rabbi Wohlner is a little quirky in some really great ways. She has an insane amount of confidence, a beautiful voice for cannon and song and a great wit. But she's fiercely intelligent and very well positioned in the South, though I don't think she is a native.

this spoke to me

Her sermon, like most sermons I've heard lately it seems, spoke directly into my heart and soul. It sounded something like this... "Rachel, it's totally cool that you're livid at G-d. You have that right. It's awesome that you came to services and probably wise that you brought a friend to share the awesome parts and be there if the bad stuff gets too bad. Some days we all have great days, but it's those bad days that we push through and hold closer to our faith, whatever it is, that really define who we are. Can you recognize the bad day in someone else? Can you be responsive to that in a supportive and kind way? Are you ok with the idea that we are not all perfect?"

Members 10 years or less

So, I've decided that this is where I'll share my Judaism. There's lots of questions out there....so shoot. Ask me. I'll share my thoughts on our holidays, how my family is participating or give my personal commentary on my synagogue's sermon or activities that week and you can ask me anything you want to know. And if I don't know the answer, maybe I can get Rabbi Wohlner do guest blog at some point. She may be cool like that...

A tragedy today

Today we as a nation experienced yet another tragedy inside a school. As a teacher, this is something that I try not to carry with me. I don't want to think that anyone would ever want to harm me or any of the children I teach. I don't want to think that anyone would want to harm any of the people within our school.

As a parent, it is scary for me to imagine how helpless those parents must have felt to not know what was happening to their children or the best way to help in such a scary situation.

As a citizen of our country, I simply don't want anyone to hurt others in such a way. Or any way for that matter. It saddens me that there have been so many challenges and traumatic events since my eldest daughter was born in 2001.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families connected to this tragedy. I know their grief must be unbearable. I'm choosing to believe that all of those children are now in art class with the best art teacher I ever knew, my mom.

Just some ramblings

Do you play the "do you remember what we were doing this time last year?" Game???

Geoff plays that game when we go on vacation.

The first day we're back, he'll say, "do you remember what we were doing this time yesterday?" 

The first week goes about that way.

Then randomly one month after the vacation, he'll say, "this time last month we were on the beach (or wherever we were)".

Well, the closer we get to my mother's , the anniversary of my mother's death, the anniversary of the worst day of my life, I can't help but feel like I am heading to an impending doom. It's so strange. I am literally dreading the day. I don't know why. It's not like seeing the date on the calendar is going to make it any worse or any better. She's not going to rise from the dead and haunt me like some awful ghost.

Ultimately, I think it's just the culmination of realizing that not only have I survived the first year, but I'm really not that worse off for the wear. It seems surreal to say, like I should be incapable of functioning or something. There was an episode of Criminal Minds with the kid from Malcolm in the Middle. His girlfriend gets killed in front of him and he goes totally spastic and kills the guy who killed his girlfriend and then he sleeps for days. When they find him, he's been listening to his girlfriend's voicemail on her cellphone over and over and over again so he can hear her voice. It's soooo sad. And I know EXACTLY how he feels.

My mother and I had just begun to become friends. We were sewing on sundays, she was talking with Geoff and the kids when she wanted to and they were calling her when they wanted to, she was picking the kids up and her students were doing murals at my kids' school. It was really the beginning of finally being able to appreciate all the things that my mom knew how to do and wanted to share with me and my kids.

What's the worst part of all of this? I feel completely and totally selfish for all of this. My mother was sick and in pain and somewhere in there, she didn't feel like she could physically do it anymore. I am and was truly blessed to have had such an incredible woman to call my mother. She taught me how to love, tie my shoes, paint a circle and draw a straight line. I'll never be half the artist that she was, but I will spend the rest of my life working to be half the mother and teacher that she was.

As we come to the end of the first year without her, all I can think is that I have to do the absolute the best that I can to give my children the best memories together that I possibly can.

I love her and I love the legacy that she has left me.

First night of Hanukkah

For Hanukkah this year, I really wanted to make sure that the kids had some great memories, since last year's Hanukkah was less than wonderful. This year, for night #1, we invited over a few friends to share the evening with us and then made a yummy dinner of latkes, burgers and salad. Geoff made an amazing dessert challah! His dessert challah had a cream cheese and cinnamon filling that was folded into it. My oh my, it was amazing!

While, I truly enjoyed having over our friends, even better was watching my kids get excited when they opened gifts. Of course, best of show went to Lissy Jane! She got her baby doll tonite and it was absolutely adorable how cute she was about opening her gift! First off, she now understands opening presents, which is so fun. But, what's even better, she really loves babies!

 These latkes were so yummy. We definitely have some tweaking to do on the recipe. But, it was so good. Everyone really enjoyed how tasty those latkes were, especially since some of them had never had latkes before.

 This is me and my friend Keller Anne. This was her first Hanukkah dinner to attend. She really seemed to enjoy learning from my kiddos, even though Jonas totally scammed her out of gelt while playing dreidel.

 How can anyone not like the vision of lit menorahs!??? They are definitely a beautiful sight and one that I always enjoy remembering from years past. It's hard to think back on past Hanukkahs and not miss my mom. Especially since she died during Hanukkah last year. I hope that she is enjoying watching all of us this year. OR maybe she's here with us. Either way, I so wish she could be here to share these moments with us.
 

Missing my mom

As many of you know, my mother died last December 24th. It has been a rough year to say the least of trying to navigate life without her and deal with the myriad of repercussions of loosing someone so near and dear. I have spent the year writing down all the things that I learned from my mother in the short time I had with her, so that I can share them with my children and others.

I was really impressed with how my sisters and I came together to deal with the events surrounding my mother's death. We have not typically been successful at sharing time, especially stressful time, with each other. Most usually, someone would end up with their feelings hurt and ugly things being said and someone storming out, doors slamming. It could definitely be said that we were passionate girls. Early on the journey, my mother's longtime friend Gayle, was called to help us navigate. She was a wonderful woman to have by our side as we attempted to keep our heads above water. I assure you it was no small feat for any of us.

In the days and weeks directly following my mother's death, my sisters and I were met with several major decisions and gut-wrenching moments that were handled amazingly well. 

As we come to the end of this journey, my sisters and I have decided to get tattoos of our mother's stamp. This stamp was designed by our mother and hard carved by her to be her signature on her art work. We all really love the way it looks and feel like it is exactly the way we want to commemorate her love and life.

So, on December 22nd, my sisters and I will be getting this tattoo. From the moment the decision was made, none of us had discussed where on our bodies we intended to have the tattoo. Then about a month ago, we were all talking about where we would be getting the tattoos. It turns out that my youngest sister and I will be getting them on the same spot, under our left arm on our ribs. Our middle sister, Claire, will be getting hers on her wrist. At the same time, I'll be finishing up my letters on my wrist.

 

Thanksgiving

This year, as many of you know, has been a rough one. Since loosing my mother last December, this year has been fraught with things that remind us of our loss. Thanksgiving is definitely one of those days. It is difficult to look around at all you have and know that you want one more. Or to have the feelings that your children and family are so precious to you, but somehow it's just not enough. Not that I would ever stop loving my family or caring for my family, simply that I am acutely aware that someone is missing. It's one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.

So, I must admit, I was more than a little afraid of this Thanksgiving. We decided not to travel for the holiday, and to go to dinner at my parents house. But, I was honestly afraid that they had invited half the neighborhood, which would mean, lots of people. I just wasn't really emotionally up for that.

What a wonderful surprise our thanksgiving turned out to be! We had my parents, my children, my husband, my sister Ruth and our good friends, the Shapiros and their daughter Leah. Dinner, though not photographed, was AMAZING. So much love and friendship were in the dining room and it was so relaxed and just made the day much better than I expected.

Below are a few of the pictures I took.

Don't forget to check out the cute picture of Lissy in my dress and the bloomers I made! I made a pair for each of the girls.

MelissaJane wearing my dress that my mom made.

Leah, Ruth and Jonas checking out the Trivial Pursuit Board.

Geoff and the little girls both wearing dresses that my mom made. This will forever be one of my favorite photos of the three of them.

I had so much fun making these bloomers for each of the girls.

It was great to get to see the Shapiros. The relationship Leah has with her mom reminds me of the relationship I had with my mother. 

My dad and Dilly after Thanksgiving Dinner. He had great fun holding her.

Me and My not so little, little girl. Time flies way to fast. Kiss and hug your babies, while they are small.

Temple Israel's Mitzvah Day...our Project

This past sunday was Mitzvah Day for all congregational members of Temple Israel. In previous years, my mother oversaw the production of several beautiful murals in the stairwells of Plough Towers. Such as this one...

This was the drawing that I did for the mural I was asked to do.

I was definitely excited to get to oversee a mural project, but the experience was more than a little bittersweet since my mother was not there with us. It was yet another reminder of her absence from our lives.

Once we got to Plough Towers, Annie and I immediately set to work. We arrived early so that I could sketch out the drawing and make sure we knew exactly where each of the different colors would go. By the time Kathleen arrived at 9am, we had already gotten quite a bit done. We took hourly photos, which you can see below.

This was how much Annie and I had gotten done at about 10am.

This was how much we had all gotten done at about 11am

About half-way through our morning, the activities director, came by and asked if we would do the other wall that was prepped. Another artist was supposed to be doing a mural as well, but she had not shown up. Annie and Justin, the two kids in our group, were excited to do the other mural. Annie came up with a design and immediately got to work putting it together. Within a short amount of time they had gotten quite a bit done.

This was the halfway point of the second mural.

It didn't take long for both of the murals to get finished. We had a few friends come and go to help with both murals and we were done with both by noon. We cleaned up and went on our way. While it was sad to not have my mother there to share the day with, it was wonderful to get to brighten the stairwell for the residents on two different floors. It won't be long before all of the floors on that side are done and we'll have to do the stairwell on the other side of the building! 

Happy painting.

Trick-or-Treat!

Halloween for us was a little bittersweet this year. In years past, my mom has been a big part of our Halloween night, seeing the kids in costume, having dinner, or some other fun event. This was our first Halloween without her and it certainly resonated.

Since I had class, the plan was originally that Geoff would take the kids over to a friends house and they would all go trick-or-treat together as a big group. However, that challenge presented new challenges and ultimately didn't happen.

I was really excited to take the kids trick-or-treating since it was MelissaJane's first year to actually be able to walk up to a door and do the whole thing herself. (She's got so much personality and is so cute, how could anyone resist the idea of seeing her!?!?!?)

So, we drove over to my parents' house where there were of course, two GrandPumpkins! Took the requisite pictures and off we went!

She totally got the hang of it! She loved carrying her hot pink pumpkin bucket, required both Annie and myself to hold her hand and loved waving bye to everyone at their doors. I promise it was the most adorable thing anyone saw that nite!